Godspeed to all of you gearing up to participate in the biggest shopping day of the year. If shopping is a sport, (and we all know it is) then Black Friday is the Super Bowl. To perform your best on the day after Thanksgiving, you need to be prepared, trained, well-rested, and ready for anything...or anyone that could get in your way. To help you visualize your competition, study these next five types of people who will be bringing it to the playing field this season.
Meet your opponents.
1. The Line Cutter
There’s the group of people that followed the rules of society and formed an orderly line at checkout. You stand among them, because you’ve been doing this since you could walk, and you’re not an animal. And then there’s them. The line cutters of the world. This is the day they get to show off their lack of basic manners and really let their inner d-bag shine.
I guess you have to give them props for being so brazen. These are probably the same people that pull out into traffic without looking and just wave their hand like, “Hey, I’m cutting you off and you just have to deal with it because I refuse to look at your attempt to block my entry. Thanks!” Unless you’re looking to get into a shoving match in the middle of Old Navy, take deep breaths and let it go. They’ll never change. Let karma take care of the rest.
2. The Retail Employee Who Hates Everything
I was this person, so I understand the short fuse these poor staffers are working with on Black Friday. When you’re young, you’re pretty much stuck in the service industry. There are those who are great with constant human interaction. Some people crave it. And then there are those who appreciate personal space, quiet time, and limited interaction.
Just keep that in mind when you encounter a sales associate that’s giving you the evil eye, has no interest in your price match request, or checking the back for something that’s clearly out of stock on the floor – he or she is just trying to get through the day like you are. Don’t bother adding to their day. Instead, locate the bizarro version of that staffer, that’s eagerly seeking shoppers to help, to complete your purchase.
3. The Unreasonably Impatient Shopper
Black Friday is the epitome of “hurry up and wait,” yet some people are still so surprised when they can’t breeze through every store they enter. Why are they caught off guard by the long line at the register? Did they just move to America? Is this their first Black Friday? We get it, lines suck. Waiting sucks. But everyone has to deal with it, therefore everyone should shut up about it and play Dots on their phone while they wait.
4. The Tortoise and the Hare
If people either drove 80 mph or 10 mph on the same road, that would be chaos, right? So why is there such a disparity in the walking speeds of Black Friday shoppers? It’s either someone speed walking, and pushing through people, or it’s practical joke slow, as if this were an appropriate time and place to “savor your surroundings.” Just, no. Let’s find our happy medium and get where we need to go at a reasonable pace.
5. The Lurk and Snatch-er
Doesn’t everyone join the Black Friday race with a list and a plan? Every once in a while, you’ll see folks eyeing your purchases. They might peek over your shoulder as you go to grab that last Roku, or sidle right up next to you and snatch the last cashmere sweater before you get the chance. Maybe they want the same exact things and it’s just a coincidence. But I have a hard time trusting anyone that doesn’t have tunnel vision and a list handy on a day like this.
If I sound paranoid, it’s because Black Friday is the worst, and you can avoid all of these people if you just stay home and wait for Cyber Monday. If you do head out on Black Friday though, take note of the people above, and stay as far away from them as you can. Good luck!