7 Stages of Miley Cyrus in Wine Years

Miley Cyrus has inspired a whole lot of intrigue in the global media recently, not only because of her salacious abandon but also because of how frequently and drastically she has been able to transform her identity in such a relatively short career. That said, and also to belatedly celebrate Miley’s recent 21st birthday, I’d like to take this time to compare each of our starlet’s personalities to some of my favorite wines, which you can find at the Wall Street Journal Wine Store. If you’d like to play along, make sure to use a WSJ Wine Store coupon code.

1. Baby Miley Cyrus Is Born

Let the birth begin! Miley was born on November 23, 1992. The instant she came into the world, her parents and the doctors said, “We knew she was going to be a professional screamer one day.” So in honor of baby Miley Cyrus, I’d like to pop open a bottle of 90-Point Premier Cru Champagne – heck, let’s open the whole case, it’s going to be bumpy two decades.

2. Hannah Montana Is Born 

Fast-forwarding a couple years – Miley’s first run-in with breakout success was landing the title role on Disney’s “Hannah Montana” in 2006. On it, the blonde Miley plays a preteen from Tennessee struggling to adapt to a rigorous and physically demanding lifestyle in Malibu, California. Oh, and she also leads a double life as a secret pop-star. For this epoch, I’m going to take down from the shelf a white, a Pinot Gris named “America’s Best Kept Secret” vinted in California. After all, Hannah Montana’s alter-ego was America’s best kept secret for a while, and this wine’s mellow fruity aftertaste balances out nicely with the character’s biting wit.  

3. Miley Gets Darker for the Premiere of “Best of Both Worlds”

In 2008, Miley starred as Hannah Montana in the release of the feature-length “Best of Both Worlds.” At the premiere, Miley was sporting an edgy but still reserved look that gave body to her darker side. For this stage in Miley’s career, I’m going to sip on some Ripasso. This red was fermented twice to give the wine extra complexity and depth, the kind of complexity and depth that was no doubt behind Miley’s radical change to jet-black hair, dark eye shadow, and heavy mascara.  

4. Goodbye Disney, Hello Womanhood

That same year, Miley ditches Hannah Montana and embraces her rock star roots with the release of her album “Breakout” with the single “7 Things.” She’s got long hair, long legs, and a long list of complaints about her ex. While I’m dancing to this song by myself I like to quaff on a red wine that has long legs just like Miley has – a Chateauneuff that packs a lot of sweet flavor. And it’s pretty high on alcohol content as well (14.5%), so…

5. Miley Stars in “The Last Song”

In 2010, Miley stars in “The Last Song” with Liam Helmsworth. In this Academy-neglected film, Miley plays closed-off teenager Ronnie trying to reconnect with her estranged father. So I’m going to go ahead and say Ronnie needs to lighten and brighten up her mood, which brings me to my wine choice: a French Chardonnay that’s light and fresh, but not like Ronnie Miller rude-fresh. She can be so impossible sometimes!

6. Do I Hear Wedding Bells, or Is that Another Glass Breaking?

It’s 2012, and Miley and Liam Hemsworth get engaged! ZOMG! More champagne! Luckily we bought that whole case. Ugh, what a perfect couple.  

7. Miley Cyrus Takes a Wrecking Ball to Her Former Self

While Liam and Miley’s relationship was taking a turn for the worst, our girl of the century went and totally reinvented herself in June of 2013. She shaved off the sides of her hair, showered in some toxic waste, and installed a V8 engine in her derriere. To immortalize this revolutionary summer, my final bottle is a Bordeaux Rose, perfect for those dog days or any time of year you want to think of Miley. It’s infused with scents of cherry and wildflower, just as Miley is America’s wild flower.

Hopefully Miley Cyrus doesn’t metamorphose again anytime soon because I am well over my limit. Goodnight.  

By: Seth

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