Welcome to the fiery gates of Hell, everyone. Or should I say, Happy Black Friday! It’s that time of year again, when hordes of reasonable humans willingly put their bodies, minds, and souls through the worst obstacle course imaginable for deeply discounted TVs.
I don’t get it. Sure, if you do score that big screen TV for 50% off, great! You’re one of the winners of the day. How often does that actually happen though? Meanwhile, you have a crowd of greedy, pushy, hungover, cranky strangers in your way.
Aren’t the odds of getting great deals better on Cyber Monday? There are several things to consider. Here are 8 reasons to take cover on Black Friday and wait for Cyber Monday.
1. The Lingering Food Coma
You stuff yourself with turkey, heavy side dishes, pie, and wine on Thursday. Then you willingly get up and out of bed at the crack of dawn on Friday? Yuck. And this is no regular hangover. With all of the tryptophan in your system, this is probably as bad as it gets. Crowds of loud strangers that collectively refuse to practice basic manners when you feel like this? Pass.
2. The Weather
This year, Black Friday practically falls in December. So, you know it’ll be cold out. For the colder parts of the country, you might even have to tango with snow, sleet, or worse, black ice on the roads. Is that new tablet really worth battling the elements?
And don’t forget, because of reason number one, you’re hungover, so your senses are dulled. The new tablet for Jimmy Jr. is not worth the crappy weather you might face. Wait for Cyber Monday, and you can have it delivered right to your door.
3. The Traffic
So, let’s break this down. The first 200 people that arrive at the local superstore when the doors open at 4 a.m. are fighting for a chance at a brand new laptop for 60% off? We’re basically encouraging people to drive too fast, at a time of day that’s dark, and get them all on the road at the same time, so we can ensure everyone out on Black Friday is good and angry when they reach their destination. Brilliant.
4. The People
I haven’t shopped Black Friday in years, but that’s probably because I was forced to work every single one during college at the Gap Outlet store near my school. Guess what? Black Friday shoppers are the worst.
You could be the sweetest, most generous person around, but when you’re out on Black Friday, you become a member of the greedy mob that surrounds you. It’s not your fault. Mob mentality is a real thing. It’s every man, woman, and child for themselves. All those irresistible deals on items stocked in limited quantities turn you into a monster version of yourself.
But on Cyber Monday, you can be your charming, wonderful self again in the privacy of your quiet, cozy home. Far removed from all of those Black Friday hooligans.
I know you’re ready to toss your TV to the Island of Misfit Toys, because a shiny new one is on sale and you’ve wanted to upgrade, but hold on. Maybe it’s better to go out on a good note with your trusty tech pal by watching the big holiday games. Have one last fling with your TV, and then order a new one on Monday.
6. The Protests
Remember Occupy Wall Street? I know it’s not a trending topic anymore, but I miss those discussions. The protesters were trying to organize a boycott of all Black Friday activities. No work, no shopping. Support local stores. Avoid big chains.
Now, I’m not in the 1%, and I’m also not a protester, but I do think it’s insane that companies make Black Friday a required work day for their employees. Especially since Thanksgiving is such a family-oriented holiday, and Black Friday seems to start earlier and earlier each year. Whatever you need to justify it, let’s stay home and far away from these big chains on Friday.
7.The Dress Code
Do you know what else comes with the post-Thanksgiving hangover? You’ll be bloated. Putting on regular pants will most certainly make you cry. If you wait for Cyber Monday, you can shop without pants! You’re welcome.
8. The Leftovers
All of those delicious goodies from Thursday that sent you into that food coma? There’s more in your kitchen. And you can keep that sleepy bliss going until Cyber Monday. You can even nap between purchases. Because that’s what Cyber Monday is all about: a relaxing shopping experience.
Let’s celebrate together? You in your home, and me in mine, of course. Happy Cyber Monday!