For an article of clothing that goes unnoticed by the public, and myself for that matter, about 90% of the day, I put an inversely-proportional lot of time, effort, concentration, and consideration into my boxer brief purchase. Why do I do this? Several reasons, each perhaps just as inane as the next, but each nonetheless potent in their ability to influence my decision-making: for reasons of comfort, of aesthetics, and also, maybe most importantly, of attractability. Here are 5 questions I ask myself before a) Buying a pair of boxer briefs, or b) Putting on a pair of boxer briefs before leaving the house that you can ask yourself too.
Would I want to be caught dead in those things?
And what I mean by this is: if I were to die suddenly, would the ghost of me hovering over my lifeless body on the autopsy table be embarrassed when the coroner strips me down to the boxer briefs? Would I be mortified when, in front of friends and family, the coroner flips me over to discover the cause of death, and reads on my derriere “Smack That” in bold, block lettering? The answers to both are a definite yes, which is why I don’t wear boxer briefs with such lewd directives on them. Same with profane images, sexist comments, or anything off color – I just don’t do it. On the other hand, a tasteful, creative design can take your boxer briefs to the next level, so they’re not to be ruled out. The point is: you’ve got to think ahead.
Am I in violation of any fashion codes?
As a rule of thumb, do not violate any fashion credos with your boxer briefs that you wouldn’t normally with your “public-clothes.” Boxer briefs are arguably the most fetching form of men’s underwear available, and in general they look better than most alternatives, but there are still some mistakes a man can make when purchasing / wearing uniquely designed boxer briefs. Chiefly, I’m thinking of the perils of pattern. Extremely loud and annoying patterns printed on your panties will look tacky, so unless you’re trying to hypnotize someone with spirals, turn down the volume down under. A kaleidoscope of bright, obnoxious colors can also be blinding, so if you’re going to wear an explosion of neon in your boxer briefs, make sure that the rest of your outfit is reined in. Solid colors and subtle patterns (Hanes for instance manufacture these in spades) make for great underwear, and will also make you appear more mature, which is why I stock my closet full of them.
Is that junk in my trunk, or am I sporting a mini?
I am guilty of buying boxer briefs that are TOO SMALL for my waist, justifying the purchase by promising myself I’ll get to the gym more often, swim the English Channel one day, cut back on bacon fat, etc. Here’s the truth: this is not a smart idea. Boxer briefs are meant to be snug, but not constricting, and a too-tight waist will leave you uncomfortable throughout the day. You will not want to go out at night, you will not want to pick up strangers, and you might even have trouble expunging that quarter-inch-deep circumference your XXS waistband left in your sides. Do yourself a favor, and purchase boxer briefs for your actual size.
How Long the Brief Journey into Thigh?
It says in the Declaration of Independence that all men are created equal...but it says in this article that not all of their boxer briefs are. Every pair of boxer briefs I’ve ever owned have fallen to a different place on my thigh, some higher or lower than others. Where you’d like your boxer briefs to fall on your thigh is up to personal preference, but personally I like mine to hit about 5 inches beneath my hip joint. Boxer briefs that fall to this length give me a lot of flexibility, and also (wouldn’t you know it) make me look taller (head to toe, that is). But this is your chance to really experiment and find the right length for you – like Goldie Lochs, if she wore boxer briefs, which she may have.
Is this a mate? Is this a date? Or leave it up to fate?
Ok, so this is a tripartite last question, but it rhymed so I’m keeping it. Am I committed to a long-term mate? If so, the look of my boxer briefs may not be all that important, as we’ve both become familiar with each other’s unmentionables, and see no reason to mention them ever again. That said, if I want to wear the pair of boxer briefs that say “Smack That” on the back, I can, in good conscience, do that.
However, the rules of the game change if I’m going on a date / looking for a date with someone I don’t know that well / just locked eyes with across a sweat-swamped dancefloor. If I’m going on a date, I probably will want to prepare my underwear for the best case scenario – which would mean showing them at some point in the evening. If I’m trying to pick someone up, my night could take me to the 24-hour drive-thru fro-yo joint crying, alone, and blaring guided meditation in my car, or it could end up much more ideally with another person (and also possibly 24-hour drive-thru fro-yo, but let’s not get ahead of ourselves). So, dress to undress and impress.
Fate? Well, this is a toss up. Even if you’re sitting at home watching season one of "Twin Peaks" (before it got convoluted beyond repair), the lover of your dreams might fly through your open window and lay themselves at your disposal before you, in which case you still might want to be wearing something presentable. So it’s always good planning to stock up on several kinds of boxer briefs, which may sound like an expensive endeavor, but it’s not really if you take advantage of buying in bulk or even using a Hanes promo code.
That’s concludes my boxer brief buying saga. Remember, this is just one man’s opinion, and there are hundreds of millions out there that may conflict. But I know my body, and I know my boxer briefs. And you should too.