I got married last night. [Cue fanfare]. For the twenty-third time. [Cue more fanfare]. Not in real life, though. It’s a recurring dream I have. [Cue dream sequence transition score]. In this dream I’m marrying the keenest, cutest girl I know: Mary Todd Lincoln (it’s super cool with Abe, we checked). We’ve already made plans to honeymoon in Nova Scotia on a salmon boat, because neither of us likes to sweat.
There’s just one problem. Each night just as I’m about to kiss the bride, the dream abruptly ends, and I’m stuck watching re-runs of Cheers, the cast of which was replaced by gremlins, in my mind until morning. Now, I know what you’re thinking: is this guy having second thoughts about marrying the belle of postbellum America? Doesn’t he know what sultry, seafaring nights await the newlyweds in Nova Scotia?
Here’s the deal: I love Mary, but I also love wedding dresses. I mean love them. I love them so much I read the Daily Bride on my commute to work every morning, which is really bad because I drive. But, fingers crossed, no accidents yet. So you can see my predicament: if Mary Todd and I actually tie the knot, well, that’s a lot of wedding dresses she could have worn that I won’t get to see her in. So I delay. Woe is me.
See, Mary Todd is a very practical woman. She doesn’t want to spend a lot of money on a wedding dress, much less on a truckload of them. So you can imagine my joy at having discovered, while I was “deserving that promotion at my desk job”, the site Light in the Box which just so happens to sell more wedding dresses than anyone could wear in one lifetime and for prices that won’t send you to the poorhouse or back into your parent’s converted garage where they keep the broken Nordic Track.
This is my plan: right before I go to bed, I'm going to order dozens of wedding dresses, just all of them. I'm going to buy the A-line Jewel Tulle with the lace neckline for under $200; the Mermaid high-neck dress perfect for showcasing Mary Todd’s rippling biceps; and of course the Column off-the-shoulder, because when I look at Mary Todd, sometimes I think “She is the pillar / column supporting my life.” All of them. I'm also going to use the too-good-to-not-be-true Light in the Box coupon codes I found to discount my final total to almost nothing.
Then I'm going to crawl into bed with my bounty (of course they would have arrived because I used Light in the Box's next day shipping) and pray that they enter my dreams. After they do, I'm going to take them all to my pet, my love, my sweet Mary Todd and say "look what I got for you! And it didn't even cost me that much!"
If she says "you got all of these for practically pittance, of course I'll wear all of them, and at the same time!" which I know she will, then we can get married. But, if we start arguing about how she’s suffocating wearing anymore than three dresses at one time, or about changing mid-ceremony, and she ends up dumping me, well, I'll still have a ton of wedding dresses in my wardrobe. So...win win. I'll let you know how it goes.