Oh, where to begin...and how to end this? This will be my last article in this series, unless I decide to do another one. Why? Two reasons: One, I have learned my lesson(s) the hard way and will henceforth shop exclusively online. Two, as a protest against the situation in the Ukraine and Crimea. That’ll show those Used-To-Be-Commies-And-Probably-Still-Are Ruskies who’s boss.
It seems like only yesterday that I decided to start a blog about why shopping online is better than going out to shop in an effort to help others save money and become more educated shoppers. Now it’s time to reminisce and un-fondly remember all that transpired in those 3 long months, so let’s take a look back at some of what happened to me and how I learned those important lessons...
I ventured out to buy:
- A Belgian Waffle Maker
- Tommy Girl Perfume
- A Barbie Malibu Dream House
- A Treadmill
- Mouse Food
- People Food
- An iPhone
- A Craftsman 19.2 Volt 5 pc. C3 Combo Kit
- A Light Bulb
- A MacBook Air
- A Wireless Sound System
- A LEGO Star Wars Death Star
- A Guitar Center Gift Card
I ended up saving money by buying all of that stuff online using coupon and promo codes after the following mishaps:
- I got a broken taillight.
- I was almost beaten up by a burly construction worker.
- I choked on a scone and had to be Heimlich-ed
- I cut myself on a broken perfume bottle.
- I got stuck in an elevator with a screaming, poopy baby.
- I threw out my back.
- I got yelled at by my wife (several times).
- I got a soggy sock.
- I was probed by E.T.
- I had a panic attack.
- I had a kidney stolen.
- I saw my car swallowed by a sinkhole.
- I had to return a beloved guitar to avoid divorce.
Here’s the final comparison of the money I spent going out to buy vs. buying online:
Cost of Going Out to Shop:
- Gas: $43.00
- Parking: $15
- Merchandise & Misc.: $2851
Cost of Shopping Online:
- Merchandise: $1890
See? Over the past few months, I would have saved a whopping $1019 by shopping online, not to mention a world of hurt. But I will mention it because I got hurt badly and repeatedly.
Lessons I learned:
- I bought WAY more stuff than I had planned on when I went to actual stores.
- It’s much easier to compare prices online than it is running around to various stores.
- Pushy salespeople don’t bother you when you browse online.
- Online prices are almost always less than in-store prices.
- You can buy most anything that you find in brick-and mortars online.
- There is no standing in lines when you shop from home.
- Shopping online saves you time.
- Shopping online saves you money.
- Online coupons save you money.
- Online coupons can be found for everything.
- Bad things rarely happen to you if you don’t leave your house.
May these lessons I now bequeath to you help you save money and avoid injury.
Finally, I would like to extend a heartfelt “Thank You” to all of the following stores I either shopped at virtually, or in person:
- CVS, Target, Macy’s, Starbucks, Toys R Us, Best Buy, Petco, McDonalds, Virgin Airlines, Sprint, AT&T, Sears, Vons, Lamps Plus, Apple, Fry’s, LEGO, and Guitar Center.
Thanks, guys. We had some good times, didn’t we? Well, not really, but thanks just the same.
Most of all, thank YOU, loyal readers for bearing witness to my misfortunes. I hope my agony has somehow made your own lives easier and better. Maybe you even laughed occasionally, even if that was not my intent. Although sometimes fantastical, I promise that 92% of everything I wrote actually happened.
I usually ended these articles with this: “Idiot! Oh, when will I learn? Get it through your head, self – Shop Online Every Time!” Now I can proudly say, “I do. I do get it, self. I really do.”
See how happy I am?! So, “Adieu.” Click “This Is Why I Shop Online” to read my past litany of horror stories.
(Oh, and about the picture next to the title of this article? I can now reveal that I am really the ghost of Leslie Nielsen. Please don’t call me Shirley.)