This Is Why I Shop Online: Episode #2: “Attack of the Scones”

Oh, where to begin? My wife and daughter had just returned from shopping, and as soon as my wife left the room, my daughter whispers to me that Mom would like some “Tommy Girl” perfume for Christmas. I thanked her for the tip and decided I would go to the mall the next day and buy it before I forgot. Seemed simple enough. Boy, was I wrong...

I left the house at 11:00 AM because I had a meeting at 1:00 PM that day, but the mall is only about a mile from my house. I figured fifteen minutes to get there and park, fifteen minutes to buy the perfume, fifteen minutes to get back home, and I’d still have plenty of time to get to the meeting. Piece of cake.

Well, guess what? There was tons of traffic around the mall. I suspect most of them were holiday shoppers. It took me twenty minutes just to get into the parking garage, then another ten to find a space.

So, I park and head to Macy’s to make my purchase. On the way, I spot a Starbucks and decide to grab a quick latte and a scone. Big mistake. I sat down, took a bite of my scone and immediately began to choke – it’s caught in my windpipe. Thinking fast, I then make the “universal signal” that I’m choking by putting my hand around my throat.

Luckily for me, a very nice woman jumps up and gives me the Heimlich Maneuver. The piece of scone goes flying from my mouth, and the crowd that has now gathered applauds for her. I thank her profusely and feel like a huge, embarrassed jerk.

I head for Macy’s again in disbelief at what just happened and go the perfume counter. Oh, and on the way I noticed my chest hurt really bad and that a bruise was forming. I buy the “Tommy Girl” for about $53.00 (with tax) and hightail it out of there before something else bad happens.

Well, it turns out that “hightailing” was a bad idea. I should have walked slowly. Why? Because when I exit Macy’s, I see this...

...and promptly slip and fall. Let me tell you something; falling when you’re a kid is one thing, falling when you’re an adult really sucks. I get up, ignore a couple of people laughing at me, and also the man who points and says “Hey, that’s the Heimlich guy!,” and limp back to my car.

It’s now 12:15, but I figure I still should be able to make my meeting. But, lo and behold, it takes even longer to get out of the garage than it took to get in. Great, I will now miss the meeting. I make a call and say that I’m going to have to reschedule. The person on the other end of the line is very, very, very unhappy with this. Oy.

I make it back home only to find that the now hated “Tommy Girl” perfume bottle must’ve cracked when I fell, because it is leaking. Fine, whatever, I’m done.

I sit down at the computer and start to order the perfume online. Yes, like I should’ve done in the first place. I find a coupon from Macy’s for $25 off on orders of $100 or more for Tommy Hilfiger, and decide to buy two bottles, getting more for less.

All in all, this is how my little adventure worked out:

Cost of Going Out to Shop:

  • Parking: $5.00
  • Gas: $2.00
  • Coffee & Scone: $10.00
  • 1 Broken Perfume: $53.00
  • Bruised Ego
  • Bruised Sternum
  • Pain
  • I almost friggin’ died
  • Missed important meeting
  • 2 hours of my life wasted

Cost of Shopping Online:

  • 2 Not Broken Perfumes: $73

Suffice it to say that my wife better wear this perfume every second of her life. Oh, when will I learn? Get it through your head, self – Shop Online Every Time!

Please read more in this series by checking out my whole “This Is Why I Shop Online” litany of horror stories.

By: Peter

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