This Is Why I Shop Online: Episode #7: “Alien Abduction”

Oh, where to begin? Not that long ago, I got a flyer in my mailbox from the fine folks at Sears informing me they were holding a Midnite Madness Sale where I could save an additional 5%, 10%, or even 15% off their sale prices.

That sounded good to me because being a DIY-er, I love tools (the kind you use to build or fix stuff, not the kind that are unpleasant people you meet). Sears is known for their tools and some of mine were in disrepair, so this was a perfect opportunity for me to replace them.

I went to the Sears website and found exactly what I was looking for: the Craftsman 19.2 Volt 5 pc. C3 Combo Kit.

A drill, saw, impact driver, and more all in one bundle! Yeah! The online price was good, but no – I had to save by buying them at the Midnite Madness Sale. Large mistake.

So, off to the nearest Sears I go, visions of new tools at great prices dancing in my head. Doo-dee-doo, I’m driving along when POP! – one of my tires blows out. I pull over to a safe, secluded area where I won’t get run over, get out the spare, and am preparing to put it on when...IT happened.

Yep, a flying saucer zips over, shoots down a transporter beam and sucks me up. Crap, now I’m going to miss the sale.

I start to explain that I really don’t have time for this but as it turns out, guess who else loves tools? Aliens. Probing tools, anyway. I’ll spare you the embarrassing details, and spare myself the grimace-inducing experience of recalling them, but let’s just say my abductors were extremely thorough. I mean, those guys must’ve graduated Summa Cum Laude from whatever medical school they attended on Planet Zorcon. Oh, and thanks, E.T. – you could’ve at least had the courtesy to wipe my memory of the event. Appreciate it.

They finish up with me with not so much as a “Thank you” and drop me back at my car. The sun is now coming up (the sale is over) so I change my tire and head back home.

I try to tell my wife what happened but she says she’s late for work and doesn’t have time to listen. Fine, be that way. But the next time you want to vent to me about someone stealing your Hazelnut Creamer out of the fridge in the break room, forget it.

I gingerly take a seat in front of my computer and go back to the Sears site – I still want those damn tools. My wife rushes out, telling me to look for a coupon if I’m buying something online. I do, and do indeed find some Sears coupon codes. I place my order, easy as pie, then go into the bedroom to get some sleep, hoping that when I wake, this will have all been just a dream. But it wasn’t.

All in all, this is how my little adventure worked out:

Cost of Going Out to Shop:

  • Gas: $5.00
  • New Tire: $139
  • Kidnapped by grabby aliens

Cost of Shopping Online:

  • 30% off a kickass Craftsman 19.2 Volt 5 pc. C3 Combo Kit
  • Not kidnapped by grabby aliens

I suspect that my abductors put some sort of tracking chip in me because now whenever I eat spicy food, I get heartburn, and that never happened before. But a couple of Tums usually fixes it. Idiot! Oh, when will I learn? Get it through your head, self – Shop Online Every Time!

Please read more in this series by checking out my whole “This Is Why I Shop Online” litany of horror stories.

By: Peter

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