This Is Why I Shop Online: Episode #9: “Organ Theft”

Oh, where to begin? My son needed a laptop. He’s reached the age where he actually needs it for school (not just to play games) and my wife and I were tired of him bumping us off our own computers with increasing frequency.

Seeing as how we are a Mac household, we decided to get him a MacBook Air.

I told my son of our decision as I was dropping him at off school and he was very excited. He asked “When?” and I said all I had to do was go online and order it, and it should arrive in a few days. “Hooray! You’re the best dad in the world!”

I got back home and turned on my computer only to discover that my internet was down. Great. I called AT&T U-verse and they said someone would be out to fix it the next day. Fine, so I’d order the computer tomorrow, no big deal. But then I got to thinking...which turned out to be a HUGE mistake.

If getting it in a few days made me “the best dad in the world,” then going out and buying one today would surely make me “the best dad in the history of mankind.” Imagine the expression on the little tike’s face when he came home and saw it waiting for him! So, with a smile on my own face, I grabbed my keys and headed to the nearest Apple Store.

I parked in the garage of the mall where the store was located and hopped out of my car. I had only taken a few steps towards the elevators when suddenly a bag was thrown over my head from behind and I was tossed into a van. Well, since I couldn’t see, I’m guessing it was a van but I can’t be positive.

I then felt a sharp pin prick on my butt and everything went dark…

That’s the last thing I remember until I awoke in my car, feeling very groggy. I checked the time and saw that 4 hours had passed. It was then that I became aware of a pain on my right side. I pulled up my shirt and saw a long row of stitches. What the hell?!

I quickly drove to the nearest hospital to make sure I was okay, and to find out what happened to me. Evidently, one of my kidneys had been stolen. It was small comfort that the doctors and nurses seemed impressed and said that whomever was responsible “Really did a pro job.” They then added that I was “Lucky.” Lucky? Lucky!?

Then they gave me prescriptions for antibiotics and pain-killers and sent me on my way.

I arrived home a kidney short to find the internet was back up. But it was still kind of glitchy, so I didn’t cancel my repair appointment. (Read more about that appointment here.)  I ordered the MacBook Air then went to bed for some post-op rest.

All in all, this is how my little adventure worked out:

Cost of Going Out to Shop:

  • Gas: $5.00
  • Parking: $8.00
  • Hospital Visit: $822
  • Um, I’m missing a g**d*mn kidney!

Cost of Shopping Online:

  • MacBook Air: $999

That was a good price, plus I got free shipping on it by using an Apple Store Coupon Code. Sweet.

In conclusion, my well-intentioned attempt at making my son happy turned into what can only be deemed a complete disaster. Idiot! Oh, when will I learn? Get it through your head, self – Shop Online Every Time!

Please read more in this series by checking out my whole “This Is Why I Shop Online” litany of horror stories.

By: Peter

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